Bullying

When Pauline Dawson was at school, she was picked on for being “bright” and for being “one of the prettier ones”. When her daughter Emily was diagnosed with Rb at the age of 31/2 and underwent chemo and enucleation, Pauline was naturally concerned about how she would cope at school if she looked “a bit different”.

Children can be picked on or bullied for any reason so it is understandable if we are even more concerned for our children if they can’t see as well as their friends, or have an artificial eye. Not every child gets the unwelcome attention of their peers, but when Emily began to become quiet and withdrawn, alarm bells rang in Pauline’s head. She asked Emily if something was upsetting her at school ……….. this is their story and how they dealt with bullies.

“Emily burst into tears saying that a girl had been picking on her because one of her eyes was smaller than the other (she was due to have a new eye made), then the girl’s friend joined in. Emily had tried to explain that she had a plastic eye but they taunted her more because they thought she was a liar. So much for honesty!!

The class teacher had been approached and the situation was being monitored but other girls had begun to join in so I took the situation directly to the Headmaster. The school has a “zero tolerance” policy on bullying so is very supportive to both parents’ and children’s needs.

The headmaster said he would look into the allegations but three days later I was back in his office saying I’d had enough. I was given the choice of having the kids reprimanded in front of me and having their playground time withdrawn or, as this problem was not going to go away, confronting it head on. He suggested we tell the children about Emily’s condition and explain what had happen to her.

Scary Stuff! The next day, accompanied by the Headmaster, I was ushered into Emily’s class. A circle time was called (a time where the children stop what they were doing, sit on the floor in a circle and listen to ‘something important’) I was given a chair amongst the children and the Headmaster began by saying that Emily’s mum had something to share with them all. It was really important as some children had been teasing Emily because she looked a little different. He then told a story about his friend who had lost a leg in a car accident and he dealt with some of the moaning reactions of “‘Yuk that’s disgusting” by asking “why is it disgusting?” He explained that his friend was the same person, laughs the same, tells the same awful jokes, he just has a false leg. He then pointed out we were all different – some had brown hair, black or red. Some had blue eyes, glasses or freckles but we all had thoughts and feelings.

He then handed over to me. I took a deep breath and tried to control the fear of a) reliving Emily’s diagnosis and treatment. b) Disclosing information about Emily – wondering if I was doing the right thing. c) Putting the terminology into language 7 year olds could understand and d) Controlling the anger inside me that had caused me and my child to be put in this position.

I began by saying Emily was born with two eyes and looked the same as most of the class. But at 3, she was diagnosed with cancer in her eye. I explained cancer wasn’t like Chickenpox it didn’t go away on its own and that Emily had to have some really nasty medicine which made her very sick and she lost all her hair but although it made her very ill it was trying to kill the cancer. Sometimes the medicine works and other times it doesn’t. Unfortunately for Emily it didn’t and we didn’t have a choice. If Emily kept her eye she wouldn’t be with us now, but so Emily could live and grow up, we had to take her eye away and give her a false one.

The girls who had taunted Emily were now in tears. I didn’t want to terrify the kids or upset them too much but I had to make them understand this was serious stuff. I passed around one of Emily’s old false eyes and explained that sometimes Emily would be missing from class as she was having her eye polished on a huge machine that looked like a shoe menders machine to make it shiny again. I said that if they wanted to ask Emily a question, ask it, don’t say Nanee - Nanee - Nanee! and tease her. Think how you might feel if you were if the position of someone making fun of you just because you didn’t have the latest shoes or the trendiest uniform, its not nice. If you ask, she will answer. I said Emily didn’t need sympathy or tears she was okay now and the same friend they had yesterday. We thought they should know what had happened to her so they could be supportive to Emily and not bully her.

The children asked Emily how it felt. Did it hurt? Was she going to die now?! Would it come out? Does she put it in a glass beside her bed? Emily answered all the questions quietly but grew in confidence as the girls were kind and sympathetic and the boys thought she was cool.

After the class, the Head decided I had better go and talk to another 60 children in the same year so that the children who had been affected by my talk wouldn’t tell there own version to their mates at break.

The feedback from parents the following day was very supportive. Some children had said word for word what had happened. Some had just said Emily had had Cancer but she was fine now and the lads bless ‘em, said she was cool.

The girls stopped teasing Emily.

Today, at 9, Emily is as popular as ever. She is in the school choir and gymnastics team. She is in the top classes for all her work and although she in only in year 5 she scored 100% in a year 6 science test recently. She swims with the local Challenge Team and joins in with Brownies and all outward bound field trips at school.

There isn’t anything our kids can’t do. Face problems head on. Take a deep breath and fight for them to be included in everyday life. We owe them our support. If you are having problems with bullying ask the head teacher to try this approach. It is your right. If Bullying is not being tackled or solved contact your Chair of Governors.

BULLYING IS BORN OUT OF IGNORANCE. DISPEL THE FEARS AND MYTHS. EXPLAIN AND USUALLY BULLYING STOPS!!